That Thing...

"That thing that keeps getting us into a mess doesn't just need correction, it needs healing." ~Beth Moore

Such a simple statement.  Such a huge and eye-opening statement.  I asked myself... what is that thing that keeps getting me into a mess?  That thing for me is my need to be valued, to be appreciated, to have worth in someone's eyes, to be loved for me.  So I looked to the world for my value and appreciation.  And the world gave me love, gave me appreciation, gave me all the praises I was seeking.  But it left a huge hole inside.  So each man that I had a relationship with, I put this undue burden on him to fill my hole and complete me.  And everytime that man was gone, the hole got bigger and bigger.  Life became full of disappointments. Full of failed relationships.  Full of flings and booty calls.  Because if I could just get him to see my value.. my worth... then he'd love me completely and I'd be happy.

Then God had a divine appointment set up for me.  He pulled me away from the world... men... for two years.  I didn't realize it then, but now I see that my two years in a federal prison camp was my life saver!  And I'll eventually tell that story, but right now I just thank Him that he pulled me out of the world and loved me as only He can!  He put someone in my life that lived and loved like Jesus. 

When I got back home, I detoured back into that sinful lifestyle, but God never ever stopped pursuing me.  I started going back to church when my youngest son was 2 years because I wanted them growing up in church and to know who God is.  Funny, God had another appointment for me, and because of my desire for the boys to be in church, God drew me back to Him.  That's when conviction started hitting me hard about the relationship I was in.  And no matter how many times I tried to justify it, it was affecting every area of my life.  Finally... finally... I left it alone for good.  I was living in self-decption.  Sin never ends good. NEVER!  I've learned that the hard way.

But the beautiful thing about all of this is that I am redeemed.  I am healed... even if my flesh rises up and the enemy tries to pour those lies into my head... I know I am healed.  Healing starts in the mind.  Renewal of the mind.