Puberty and Middle School

It's been almost 4 years since I've blogged.  Life happened.  I didn't have much to say anymore.  But now I'm at a place that I don't know what else to do except write to express myself.  I'm not an English major, never went to college, don't always use proper grammar, may not make complete sentences, but the only way I know to help myself and this internal chaos is to write.  Even now I feel like if I start writing this post, it's going to end up much longer than I anticipated.  But I'll try to keep it somewhat short (because I am at work).

My son is 11 years old.  He's in full puberty.  He likes girls.  He is an extrovert, a social butterfly.  He's failing math, but passing all his other classes.  Either he's not interested in it, or because it's the last period of the day, he's pretty much done with schoolwork by then.  Regardless, he's going to fail 6th grade if he doesn't pass math.  His dad got him a cell phone for Christmas (which I was not in support of), so now he's connected to the girls and friends at all times through text.  I keep up with what he does on his phone, what apps he may have downloaded, etc.  He's a follower, not a leader.  He wants to be accepted.  He wants to be loved.  But he's not making good choices.  For instance, one particular girl he is 'homies' with, the language they use is shocking.  He calls her the b-word.  I've talked to him about this and explained that he's disrespecting her, even though he says they are just joking with each other.  It's still disrespectful.  I've found where he searched for porn on his phone.  I talked to him about porn, sex, the feelings going on inside him right now, and all that.  I'm not sure he's getting it.  I'm doing this alone.  Without his father's input, direction, or help.

This is hitting at the same time that I'm going through personal struggles of my own, from never dealing with hurt, rejection, and pains throughout my life.  I never saw anyone in my family express themselves in a healthy way, so I never did either.  It was awkward, and still is, for me to open up and share my feelings, hurts, thoughts, etc. with anyone.  It's just weird and abnormal for me.  I don't want to be like this.  And with my son going through what he's going through, it's an all too familiar scene.  I was 9 when I hit puberty, and it was only a couple of years later that I experienced sex for the first time with a guy 5 years older than me.  It's been a rollercoaster of a ride since.  A friend of mine posted an article to his Facebook page the other day that explains exactly how I feel, if I could express myself.  Remembering How To Weep was the most profound article I've read and it really hit home for me.  I've forgotten, or never knew, how to weep.  To this day, you will rarely ever see me cry.  I'd rather hold it in and deal with it internally, but after 43 years of doing that, I'm always on the verge of crying at ANY moment! Seriously.

Hopefully writing again will help me get through this and break the walls down that I've built over the years.  I ask God daily for direction, for help, for guidance.  But I think I miss hearing Him because of all the chaos in my mind and around me.  I need help.  For me and for my sons (I do have another son just a year younger, but he's the opposite of the one I mentioned above).  I know that grades will not determine their success in life.  I know puberty and all it's insanities will not dictate what path they will be on forever.  I trust God and I trust He has a great plan for them, and for me.  Let me be quiet enough to hear Him in the chaos!